Not a Hip Chick

I feel like I have become decidedly UN-hip in recent years. The latest trends and fads? They're just passing me by. Like, if I were to join a conversation about any of the following "hot topics" right now, I wouldn't have anything to add, except...

• I wasn't at all shocked by the death of Michael Jackson. I mean, I kind of saw it coming. He's been looking really frail for a long time now, and don't EVEN get me started on his over-the-top memorial! I mean, I didn't personally know the guy, but it seems to me that someone as notoriously shy and private as MJ was, wouldn't have wanted such a spectacle for a funeral. Michael's father, on the other hand, strikes me as shifty and self-serving and seems to be treating the death of his baby son as some kind of winning lottery ticket rather than the terrible tragedy that it was.

• I couldn't pick out a "Real Housewife" in a lineup if my life depended on it. I try not to watch any television that makes me cringe or feel uncomfortable. Whatever happened to dignity, privacy and restraint? Mark my words, phychiatrists are going to declare a mental disorder any day now to describe a person who would do or say anything just to be on TV. My term for these people? Fame Freaks. (Copyright, K-mom 2009.) Don't encourage them, people!! You wouldn't encourage a crackhead to do more crack would you?

• I haven't read any of the Twilight books. It's not because I'm a literary snob or anything. It's just that when I go to the bookstore, something else always catches my attention. One day I'll read them, but at this rate, it won't be until Miss Priss does.

• I have NO idea who Jay-Z is except that he's married to Beyonce, and frankly? She could have done A LOT better in the looks department than him. I'm just sayin'...

• I've never seen an episode of Grey's Anatomy...not a single one. When I watch medical shows, I end up thinking I have the disease on that week's episode. Trust me, it's better for everyone that I don't watch.

• I don't know what the "cool" designer jeans are anymore. I found the brand that fit me best years ago and I've stayed pretty loyal since then.

I think I might be setting myself up to be the "uncool" mom who has to have everything explained to her by her embarassed and exasperated daughter...and you know what? I'm okay with that.

Behind Every Successful Man...

...is a wisecracking wife.

The following is a transcript of an actual conversation between Hubby and me the other day.

Hubby: Babe, can I talk to you for a minute?

Me: Sure. What's up?

Hubby: I'm thinking of trying to go for my CMB.

Me: What's that?

Hubby: It's a special certification for people in my field.

Me: Is it something you're required to get?

Hubby: No, but it's really nice to have.

Me: I've never heard of it. Is it something you go for after your MBA?

Hubby: Not really. It's not a school thing...it's more like a special designation. It's based on a point system and you have to acquire 50 points by serving on committees and boards and then you also have to take five week-long continuing education classes in San Diego, Chicago, Houston, Atlanta, and New York.

Me: You had me at San Diego. Do wives get to go?

Hubby: Maybe, but I don't know how much time we'd get. It's an entire week of morning to night classes, workshops and meetings.

Me: Well, that doesn't sound too hard.

Hubby: That's just the beginning. After that, you have to take a test that lasts 6 hours and IF you pass it, you're required to go in front of a board of other CMBs for an oral interview. If you're accepted, you earn the designation and you get to put the letters behind your name whenever you sign something. In all, it takes about a year-and-a-half to earn it.

Me: Cool...but what's the POINT of the designation? Why do people do it?

Hubby: It's kind of a prestige thing in my industry.

Me: That's a lot of work for a better seat at the annual mortgage banker's banquet.

Hubby: Do you remember Mr. Banker Bigshot...the one we had dinner with last year?

Me: The guy who earns more money than Oprah?

Hubby: Yeah...THAT guy. He has his CMB.

Me: Go on.

(Mention Oprah money and you suddenly get my undivided attention.)

Hubby: If you have it, you can pretty much write your own ticket. The door to any bank is open to you because they all want to have CMBs on their staff.

Me: But why? WHY does the designation make those people so coveted?

Hubby: Because there are so few of them.

Me: So...what? They're like Jedi masters or something?

Hubby: Kind of.

Hubby's laughing here because deep down, he likes being compared to a Jedi master. All guys do.

Me: Then you must undertake your training, young Luke.

Hubby: Ha! Ha! Very funny.

Me: May the Mort be with you!

Hubby: The Mort?

Me: Short for mortgage. It's the best I could come up with off the top of my head.

Hubby: Alright. Good talking this through with you...

Me, in by best Yoda impersonation (which isn't good): Interest rates low they are.

Hubby: Good one.

Me: Wait! Wait! One more...so the Death Star is like what? The Fed?

Hubby: Hilarious. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your serious contemplation of this potentially life-changing decision. I can just feel the love and support.

Me: Anytime, young Jedi, anytime.

Praying She Won't Be The 3-Year-Old Elaine

Miss Priss is starting ballet classes this week. To say she is excited is an understatement. She's uber-excited!

We drove over to the dance academy to pay her tuition today and while I was talking to the school's director, Miss Priss watched some older girls taking a ballet class. She was enraptured! She stood stock-still, with her little nose pressed up against the glass, watching the girls twirl and leap and spin.

Afterwards, we drove to the dance store, armed with our list of requirements for our little four-week class: black leotard, pink tights, pink ballet shoes and white tap shoes. When we walked into the store, Miss Priss told the saleslady, "I'm taking ballet class!"

We left the store twenty minutes later and about $100 broker and went to Target. There, she stopped two men and told them, "I'm taking ballet class!"

When we got home, Hubby was trying to have a call with his boss, but Miss Priss kept dancing around him saying, "I'm taking ballet class! I'm taking ballet class!"

Tonight, before bed, we read only books about ballerinas and right before I turned out the lights, Miss Priss said, "I love ballet, Mommy!"

I love this part of parenting...watching your child develop a passion for something and then helping them explore it. I told the ballet school's director that they will never have a more enthusiastic student than Miss Priss.

As for talent? That's an entirely different matter. Lately, I've found myself hoping and praying she didn't inherit my pitiful and embarrassing dancing skills. If she did? It's not going to be pretty.

The BEST Invention Evah!

Can I just tell you how much I LOVE online shopping?

Seriously. In the span of just thirty minutes, I took care of Miss Priss's birthday present, ordered her some personalized thank you notes, bought two wedding gifts AND arranged to have them gift wrapped and delivered...and all without wearing a bra.

A girl could get used to this. :o)

10 Interesting Facts About Independence Day

1. Independence Day commemorates the formal adoption of the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776, but did you know it wasn't declared a national holiday until 1941?

2. There are eleven cities in America with the word "independence" in their name. The most populous of these is Independence, Missouri, with 113,288 residents.

3. The iconic Uncle Sam was first popularized during the War of 1812, when it was used on supply containers, but he wasn't adopted as a national symbol until 1961.

4. Historical research has failed to confirm that Betsy Ross sewed the first flag. Sorry Betsy!

5. Not all members of the Continental Congress supported a formal Declaration of Independence, but those who did were so passionate about it that one representative rode 80 miles by horseback to reach Philadelphia so he could vote in support of independence.

6. The first two versions of the Liberty Bell were defective and had to be melted down and recast. The third version rang every Fourth of July from 1778 to 1835, when, according to tradition, it cracked as it was being tolled for the death of Chief Justice John Marshall.

7. The American national anthem, the "Star-Spangled Banner" is set to the tune of an English drinking song called "To Anacreon in Heaven.".

8. The iron framework of the Statue of Liberty was devised by the same engineer who built the Eiffel Tower in Paris. His name was Alexandre-Gustave Eiffel.

9. The patriotic poem "America the Beautiful" was published on July 4, 1895 by Wellesley College professor Katharine Lee Bates. Girlz rule, boys drool!

10. Father of the country and architect of independence George Washington held his first public office when he was only 17. He continued in public service until his death in 1799. Good guy, that George.

Happy 4th of July everyone! Celebrate and be grateful for your freedom!

The Small Print

Our club is hosting a 4th of July celebration this weekend and Hubby and I took it upon ourselves to organize a big group of couples from the neighborhood to all go together, stake out the best spot for the fireworks and bust out the picnic baskets and wine.

I've been on the phone for three days, making sure everyone who is in town that wants to go has made their reservation and knows where to meet. This was no small feat, by the way. Getting approximately six couples and their kids to agree to all be in the same spot at the same time is tedious work!

So, I was feeling like the social director extraordinaire that I so obviously am, when I got to talking with my neighbor the other day and she said to me, "K-mom, everyone knows the celebration is scheduled for the 3rd and not the 4th, right?"

"Ummmm...no. Why would it be on the 3rd when the 4th falls on a Saturday?"

"Well," she replied, "the homeowner's association and the country club couldn't get their acts together and by the time they called the pyrotechnics company to schedule the fireworks, they were already booked for the 4th. It was on the invitation. Didn't you read it?"

"Heck no, I didn't read it! Who schedules a 4th of July celebration on the 3rd? I mean, seriously."

So, back on the phone to make sure that everyone knew to be at the club on the 3rd and not the 4th. Guess how many people actually read the invitation and knew the correct date...I mean, other than me?

All of them.

Damn.

Hubby, Miss Priss and I would have been pretty lonely at the club on the 4th with our picnic basket and tailgating chairs...just the three of us...wondering where the heck everyone else was.

Like I said, social director extraordinaire.

Say What?

What Hubby said: "Maybe next year, we can possibly look into renovating the kitchen. That is, if business picks up and the economy continues to rebound."

What I heard Hubby say: "Next year, we're renovating the kitchen."

**********

What Hubby said: "Try not to spend money on anything that's not absolutely necessary this week. We're tight until payday."

What I heard Hubby say: "A new dress is absolutely necessary."

**********

What Hubby said: "I might consider taking next Friday off to help you paint the guest room. That is, if I can manage it."

What I heard Hubby say: "I'm taking next Friday off to paint the guest room. Count on it."

**********

What Hubby said: "David and I are going to play golf on Saturday."

What I heard Hubby say: "Can David and I play golf on Saturday? That is, if you don't have anything for me to do or anywhere you want me to go?"

**********

Hubby and I are available for classes on marital communication. As you can see, we are total masters and you can receive the benefit of our nearly 11 years of experience for the low, low bargain price of $19.95.

A Question of Ethics

Hubby and I were watching 60 Minutes the other day and they were doing a story about Bernie Madoff and his Ponzi scheme. It was sad. They were interviewing some of the people he'd ripped off and they lost EVERYTHING. One couple was having to move out of the home they'd lived in their entire married life and another woman had to put her mother in a Medicaid nursing home and move in with a friend. They were all completely wiped out.

Now, I've been broke before. I've rolled pennies for gas and lived off Ramen noodles and peanut butter, but that was usually for just a day or two until payday. But to be completely wiped out with no hope of getting your money back? I can't imagine. And to be in that situation because someone conned you? That's got to be tough...real tough. Bernie will be lucky if someone doesn't pay to have him shivved in prison.

So I was saying to Hubby, "Don't they require you to take a business ethics course when you get your business degree?"

Hubby replied, "No, they don't. Oh, wait. Yes. I had to take one."

"Well, it must not have stuck with you because it took you a minute to remember if you'd even taken the class or not," I said.

"It was a long time ago," he replied. "I can't be expected to remember that stuff."

Wow. That's encouraging.

Me Likey the Lakey

Hi peeps! I didn't post last week because we were on vacation. Hubby, Miss Priss and I packed up our bathing suits, beach towels and noodles and headed to his parents' lake house in Greer's Ferry, Arkansas. We used to go several weekends a year when we lived closer, but now we manage about twice a year. Once with the fam and then again with all our friends. This trip was with the fam...the friend trip is planned for the end of July.

I LOVE the lake. There is something so relaxing about it...it's like nature's Valium.


On the way to the lake, you drive through a small town called Bald Knob (insert funny joke here). There is a family-owned resturant called "Bulldog's" that makes THE BEST chocolate milkshakes. Stopping there is half the fun. Here is Miss Priss with her own shake. She giggled the whole time she drank it.



Miss Priss loves riding on the boat. She was a little afraid of the water this year, but hopefully next year she won't be.

This is Miss Priss with her cousin, Haley. She is almost five and Miss Priss wants to be just like her. It's pretty funny to watch.

Catching some rays with Grandmama.






Daddy and Miss Priss.

After a long day on the boat, someone was ready for bed.

Two Great Tastes

Remember when I posted these pictures of my flea market finds?





I had no idea what I was going to do with the maple cabinet when I bought it, but figured for $5.00, I could think of something. I knew the postal sorter would make a great wine rack, but then Hubby had the most brilliant idea...

He married the two together and made it into a wine armoire! The bottom half works great to store liquor and mixers.



Love it and love him.