Say What?

What Hubby said: "Maybe next year, we can possibly look into renovating the kitchen. That is, if business picks up and the economy continues to rebound."

What I heard Hubby say: "Next year, we're renovating the kitchen."

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What Hubby said: "Try not to spend money on anything that's not absolutely necessary this week. We're tight until payday."

What I heard Hubby say: "A new dress is absolutely necessary."

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What Hubby said: "I might consider taking next Friday off to help you paint the guest room. That is, if I can manage it."

What I heard Hubby say: "I'm taking next Friday off to paint the guest room. Count on it."

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What Hubby said: "David and I are going to play golf on Saturday."

What I heard Hubby say: "Can David and I play golf on Saturday? That is, if you don't have anything for me to do or anywhere you want me to go?"

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Hubby and I are available for classes on marital communication. As you can see, we are total masters and you can receive the benefit of our nearly 11 years of experience for the low, low bargain price of $19.95.

A Question of Ethics

Hubby and I were watching 60 Minutes the other day and they were doing a story about Bernie Madoff and his Ponzi scheme. It was sad. They were interviewing some of the people he'd ripped off and they lost EVERYTHING. One couple was having to move out of the home they'd lived in their entire married life and another woman had to put her mother in a Medicaid nursing home and move in with a friend. They were all completely wiped out.

Now, I've been broke before. I've rolled pennies for gas and lived off Ramen noodles and peanut butter, but that was usually for just a day or two until payday. But to be completely wiped out with no hope of getting your money back? I can't imagine. And to be in that situation because someone conned you? That's got to be tough...real tough. Bernie will be lucky if someone doesn't pay to have him shivved in prison.

So I was saying to Hubby, "Don't they require you to take a business ethics course when you get your business degree?"

Hubby replied, "No, they don't. Oh, wait. Yes. I had to take one."

"Well, it must not have stuck with you because it took you a minute to remember if you'd even taken the class or not," I said.

"It was a long time ago," he replied. "I can't be expected to remember that stuff."

Wow. That's encouraging.

Me Likey the Lakey

Hi peeps! I didn't post last week because we were on vacation. Hubby, Miss Priss and I packed up our bathing suits, beach towels and noodles and headed to his parents' lake house in Greer's Ferry, Arkansas. We used to go several weekends a year when we lived closer, but now we manage about twice a year. Once with the fam and then again with all our friends. This trip was with the fam...the friend trip is planned for the end of July.

I LOVE the lake. There is something so relaxing about it...it's like nature's Valium.


On the way to the lake, you drive through a small town called Bald Knob (insert funny joke here). There is a family-owned resturant called "Bulldog's" that makes THE BEST chocolate milkshakes. Stopping there is half the fun. Here is Miss Priss with her own shake. She giggled the whole time she drank it.



Miss Priss loves riding on the boat. She was a little afraid of the water this year, but hopefully next year she won't be.

This is Miss Priss with her cousin, Haley. She is almost five and Miss Priss wants to be just like her. It's pretty funny to watch.

Catching some rays with Grandmama.






Daddy and Miss Priss.

After a long day on the boat, someone was ready for bed.

Two Great Tastes

Remember when I posted these pictures of my flea market finds?





I had no idea what I was going to do with the maple cabinet when I bought it, but figured for $5.00, I could think of something. I knew the postal sorter would make a great wine rack, but then Hubby had the most brilliant idea...

He married the two together and made it into a wine armoire! The bottom half works great to store liquor and mixers.



Love it and love him.

The Shadow Boxes Find Their Home

Thought you might want to see how the shadow boxes looked hanging in Miss Priss's room. I had to hang them myself because Hubby is still out of town. If he were here, he would have used a level, a calculator and an algebraic equation to hang these pictures perfectly. Me? I just eye-balled it...

Same outcome. Less math.

The Joys of Homeownership

Our upstairs air conditioner is on the blink. It went out today sometime between The View and the 5:00 news.

Great. Just great.

Luckily we have two units...one for the upstairs and one for the downstairs, so at least we can still be cool in part of the house. Still, it couldn't have gone out earlier in the week when Hubby was in town. Heck no, that would have been too easy. Nope. It had to go out TODAY when Hubby is in New York...at the U.S. Open...where cell phones are strictly forbidden on the course.

So tomorrow, if the AC guy tells me our unit is totally blown and we need a new one, I won't be able to call Hubby and run it past him. You see, we kind of have this deal where we consult with one another on any major purchase over $2oo. Something tells me a new unit falls well above that range and I'll have to make the call.

I hate making the call.

I don't like the responsibility. I like to be able to blame Hubby when stuff goes wrong. It's kind of how we do things around here and, well, it works for me.

Also, this kind of stuff makes me edgy and nervous because I've seen too many episodes of Dateline NBC where companies send out technicians who are given incentives to "up-sell" you on products and services you don't need.

It's true. They did one of those hidden camera things with Chris Hanson where they called out a guy for a broken garage door. It wasn't broken, of course, the sensors just needed to be adjusted, which the guy did, but then he went inside and told the homeowner that he'd had to install a whole new system and charged him for it. Nice, huh? All I can say is there's a special place in hell for guys like that.

So if AC guy tells me the compressor is shot, I won't know if he's telling the truth or not. I know absolutely nothing about air conditioners. In fact, I don't know if air conditioners even have compressors. I'm just guessing...but AC guy has the power. The whole transaction feels like a hostage negotiation. He's holding my AC unit prisoner and I have to pony up the cash if I ever want my family to sleep upstairs again.

I wish we lived in a world where we could trust that our service technicians, mechanics, congressmen, hedge fund managers, or whomever were truly working on our behalf and not their own...but it's not the world we live in.

Sad, isn't it?

A Woman's Prerogative And All...

Ok, so I was real excited about the pictures that I'd framed for Miss Priss's room the other day and was all prepared to hang them up and move on when I came across this birthday card at Target the other day...

Aren't they cute? Paper dolls! I LOVE paper dolls and this card was so sweet, it gave me a great idea for original artwork.

TA DA! Shadow Boxes!




Here's the Breakdown...

I bought the shadow boxes at Hobby Lobby (of course). They were $3.99 a piece, but marked down 40%...


They were unfinished wood, so I had to paint them. TIP: With unfinished wood, it's a good idea to sand it down with 220-grit sandpaper before you paint. Otherwise, the wood might rise with the paint and make it scratchy.



And don't forget..."Take the time to prime!" Memorize it...Know it...Live it. Seriously, though, it really does give you a more professional outcome.

To save money, I used the leftover paint from Miss Priss's furniture. The color is Cream Delight.

I thought it would be cute to use a coordinating paper behind each of the dolls to give each one an individual look and make it just a little more interesting to look at. It's scrapbook paper and I got it at Hobby Lobby. (Dude, seriously...someone over there should be sending me a check. I'm just sayin...)


Now with any shadow box, the key is the shadow. I used a foam board. I went with 10mm which is the thickest size because this particular shadow box was kind of deep. I cut it lengthwise, long enough where it would give a strong foundation to the doll. Widthwise, I cut it thin enough where you wouldn't be able to see it from the side.

I attached it to the back of the doll with double-sided mounting tape. I used mounting tape because I wanted the bond to be stronger than probably regular Scotch tape could provide.

After that, I put the lids on each box and called it a day. This was a fun project and I love the idea that Miss Priss now has totally original artwork for her room that's cute and girly, but says nothing about her being a "diva," "princess," or "drama queen." Because she's none of those things...at least not every day.

What am I going to do with the other pictures? They are going to go live at BlueMomma's house. She just had a beautiful little girl and the colors will go better with her new nursery than in Miss Priss's room anyway...so it's a win-win!

Lessons Learned:

I'm almost too embarrassed to tell you this, but the shadow boxes come with the hanging hardware already attached. When you go to glue the doll inside the box, make sure you check the back first so you don't accidentally glue the doll upside down. I did it on, not one box, but two before I realized what I'd done.

Take the time to tape off the frame with painter's tape to protect the glass. I didn't and it was a real chore to get all the paint to come off when the project was done.

Supply Breakdown:

4 Shadow Boxes - $9.40
4 Pieces of Scrapbook Paper - $1.16
Spray Adhesive
Paint & Primer
Double-sided Mounting Tape - $4.99
10mm foamboard - 4.99
Birthday Card - 4.99

Total Cost: Approximately $26.00
Timeframe to Complete: Approximately 4 hours.

Degree of Difficulty: On a scale of 1 to 10, I would give it a 3.

When Parents Can't Fix It

Today I took Miss Priss to a place called Splash Pad. It's a free park that has all kinds of water fountains, waterfalls and sprinklers for kids to play in. I knew Miss Priss was going to love it, but I had no idea just HOW MUCH she would love it until we got there.

At first, she was a little reticent. She wasn't quite sure what to think of all the kids running around, the water spraying everywhere and the general feeling of pandemonium.

Fast forward about 5 minutes and she was ALL.ABOUT.IT.

I guess we had been there for about 45 minutes when suddenly out of nowhere, the water just shut off. What the...?!

At first we figured some kid had found the faucet and turned the whole thing off, and then we were told it would be about 15 minutes for water pumps to re-set.

The whole time we were waiting, Miss Priss kept asking, "Is the water coming back on?"

Finally, after about ten minutes, it did come back on...and I wish you could have seen the look of total ELATION in my child's eyes as she ran back toward the sprinklers. Then, two minutes later, OFF AGAIN!

After about another ten minutes, a representative from the Parks Department came by to tell us that an accident had knocked out the power for that entire area and they didn't expect to have the water back on for at least another two-and-a-half hours.

Poor Miss Priss, she was so disappointed. All she has done today is ask about Splash Pad. "Will they fix it, mama?" "It broke. Didn't it, mama?" Then at dinner tonight, she told Hubby about Splash Pad and that it was broken. You could tell, it really ruined her day.

Now, I know in the grand overall scheme of things, it's not that big of a deal that Splash Pad was broken today, but there is just something in a parent that aches when you see your child disappointed...even when it is something silly like no Splash Pad today.

I also know that the best parents are those who don't try to shield their children from every possible disappointment, but rather help them learn to cope when things don't go their way...but DANG! it's hard when you see their sad little face looking up at you with a look that says, "Mommy, can you fix it?"

And all you can do is shake your head no, give them a hug and promise you'll go back when it's fixed.

K-Mom: Hero to mothers everywhere or lunatic potty mouth who can't ever go back to her grocery store again?

I've been wanting to write this post since Saturday but it's taken me this long for the rage to subside enough to sit down and recount the story.

Now, maybe you've learned enough about me from reading my blog to know that I'm one of those people who generally gets along with most people. I'm not an angry person and, for the most part, go through my days with a general sense of contentment and ease. I try to steer clear of what I like to refer to as "the miserables." You know who I'm talking about...we all know a "miserable." They are the people who are always fired up about something, annoyed at something, freaking out about something, or fighting with someone...and by the way, you can't ever REALLY be friends with a "miserable," so don't bother, because it's just a matter of time before you run afoul of them and end up on their enemies list. But if you do, don't take it personally, it's just how they tick.

In my opinion, "the miserables" are miserable because they are fundamentally unhappy and don't know how to change. So it's best just to steer clear and let them go on with their "miserable" existence. Maybe one day, they'll get some therapy or find religion, but that's their problem to solve, not mine.

But then there are days like Saturday when one of "the miserables" collide with me and my happy world and then it's ON LIKE DONKEY KONG!

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So Saturday was a busy day for us. Hubby and I had a party to go to that night and Miss Priss had a birthday party that afternoon. After lots of birthday cake and fun time, Miss Priss and I had exactly two hours to get home, shower, change and get ready for the babysitter to arrive. In that time, I had to run by the grocery store and pick up some milk and Pull-Ups...two things...ten minutes tops.

So we walk in the door and the first thing Miss Priss sees is the large shopping cart that looks like a racecar. I didn't want to mess with it because the store is always pandemonium on Saturdays and we were only getting two things. Of course, she started crying because she didn't get her way, but I ignored it and put her in the regular cart and started pushing her quickly through the store.

We rounded this corner and suddenly this man walks up to us, puts his face RIGHT in Miss Priss's and screamed at the top of his lungs, "SHUT UP!!!!" He then smugly looked at me and said, "THAT's how you handle kids." And walked off...leaving me and another woman standing there...ABSOLUTELY stunned.

The other woman walked up to him and said, "Are you crazy?! She's just a baby!"

I was so stunned that I just kept walking and got my groceries and went up to the front to pay, but then suddenly it was like someone flipped a switch. I turned my cart around, walked back to the back of the store where the man was standing (probably waiting on the butcher or something). I walked up to him, got right up in his face and said, "I don't know who you think you are, but if you EVER scream at my child again, I will find you and I will kick your sorry ass from here to Timbuktu. Do I make myself clear?"

He responded by saying, "You and what army?" Which really pissed me off, so I replied.

"I'm standing here and I see a small man who thinks he's a tough guy because he just bullied a two-year-old. I hate to break it to you LITTLE MAN, but a gust of wind could kick your ass."

He then yelled at me, "You need to control your kid!"

Then, I said, "She's a child, what's your excuse?!"

He started to walk away and I yelled, "That's exactly what a cowardly asshole would do. Bully a kid and then walk away when someone calls him out on it..."

He walked away, but I couldn't resist the urge to get one more dig in, so I yelled at the top of my lungs, "WALK AWAY YOU ASSHOLE, YOU'RE NOT SO TOUGH NOW!"

And then I left the store, drove home, told Hubby what happened and threw up!

Now...let's be clear, I'm not exactly proud of what went down at the Publix. I'm certainly not going to ever list it as one of my proudest moments, and I don't think I'll ever be able to show my face in that store again, but I've run the whole scene over and over in my head since Saturday and I really can't say I would have done anything differently except maybe decked the guy.

I don't approve of public scenes, and I know it's annoying when children cry in public, but Miss Priss is a two-year-old child who was tired and coming down of a birthday cake high. Dipshit was a grown man who should have known better and the only thing that gives me solace about this whole situation is that maybe he'll think twice before he gets up in some other kid's face because his or her mother might not be as "nice" as I was. Mess with me all you want...mess with my kid and YOU.GO.DOWN!

Coming Soon...

Looking to buy new bedroom furniture? A nightstand, headboard or platform bed, maybe?

I'm going to be writing a review for an online furniture company. It's coming soon!!

Ode to the LBD

Whereas last weekend I was K-mom, the hired help. This weekend, I get to be old K-mom, just another party-goer.

Our club's annual Sandblast golf tournament and summer party is this weekend. It's kind of a big deal in our neighborhood and everyone goes. Some friends of ours are even having a pre-party at their house tonight, which looks like it's going to be just as much fun than the big event tomorrow night.

The only problem is that we've been going for three years now and I still haven't quite figured out the appropriate attire for the Saturday party. Some of the men wear suits, some wear dinner jackets and no tie and some even come in tuxedos. Same with the women, last year there were women in pantsuits, some were in cocktail dresses and a couple were in full-out ballgowns.

I love getting dressed up and to me that's half the fun, but it's really stressful when the dress code isn't specifically spelled out. This is a by-product of the fact that men plan this party, I'm sure. Women wouldn't do that to one another.

So instead of wearing something fun and summery, I'm going to play it safe and wear the old stand-by...the LBD. Boys, that means "little black dress". It's every woman's fail-safe and the BEST invention for women evah!

To me, the best way to ruin a good time is to show up to a party and feel like you're over-dressed or worse, under-dressed, but thanks to the LBD, you have at least one option that has you covered either way. It's a little boring, I'll admit, but no color is more slimming or more versatile. Wear the right shoes and jewelry and you could conceivably go from after-work happy hour straight to a black-tie dinner and fit in perfectly at both events. It's kind of like a mini-miracle of wardrobe proportions!

So let's hear it for your friend and mine...the LBD!

Let There Be Lamp!

I read in a decorating magazine once that rooms should never be considered "done"...that good design allows your home to change and grow along with your family.

Yeah...that's just their way to get you to buy more stuff.

Anyone who has ever re-done a room can tell you that you get to a point where you're sick of looking at it and you just want to get on with your life! That being said, however, I'm not to the point where I'm ready to declare Miss Priss's room done yet. Like, take this nightstand lamp, for example. It was bugging me because I thought the scale was all wrong. It was too small for the space between the beds.



So I went in search of an inexpensive solution and I found this one at Goodwill for $5.00.



The color wasn't at all right, but there were things I liked about this lamp (1) It has a low center of gravity and that's ALWAYS a good idea in a kid's room. It won't get knocked over easily...and (2) it kind of reminded me of her polka dot upholstered headboard and seriously? What's cuter than a HUGE polka dot? Not much, I'm thinking...So I bought it.

Then, I proceeded to make it precious by painting it pink. First step, tape off any parts like the electronics and the cord that you don't want painted.



Remember, when you are painting glass, it's especially important to prime before you paint. They sell primer in a spray-paint can. That's the best product for glass.

Then, I painted the lamp.



But what REALLY makes a lamp cute is it's shade and I found this one at Target and it was perfect! I didn't have to make any changes to make it work and that's a rare thing for me.







The Breakdown:

I bought the lamp at Goodwill for $4.99. You see these round-based lamps a lot in second-hand stores. I think they were really popular in the eighties. I've seen them in different sizes too. Just look for one that's in good shape with no cracks and a cord that's not frayed or exposed in any way.

The spray paint is by Krylon and it's an interior satin called Ballet Slipper (How perfect is that?). I bought it at Hobby Lobby...which, by the way, I am single-handedly putting someone at Hobby Lobby's kid through college, so to that guy I'll just say, "You're welcome."

I bought the pink and white lampshade at Target for $19.99. It may seem expensive compared to the actual lamp, but it was so perfect, I felt like it was worth it.

Total cost for the perfect lamp: $29.00
Estimated time for this project: About two hours.

Sometimes Still Waters Are Just Still

Yesterday Hubby and I woke up to a kid-free house. Miss Priss was staying with her grandparents and we weren't scheduled to pick her up until today so we had an entire day all to ourselves...nothing to do, but just hang.

First order of business? Five Guys for burgers and fries! Oh yeah! BEST morning-after food evah!

On the way to the restaurant, Hubby and I were talking about this and that. Nothing major, just chit-chatty kind of stuff...but eventually the conversation moved to current events.

I was talking about the president's recent speech from Egypt and what I thought about that; and the fact that France didn't invite the Queen of England to this year's D-Day Remembrance and what I thought about that; and the fact that one of the Charles Manson murderers is asking for parole because she has a terminal illness and doesn't want to die in prison and what I thought about that.

After a few minutes of just me going on and on about the issues of the day, Hubby turns to me and says, "K-mom, would it be okay if we dialed back the serious talk for a little bit? I don't really want to solve the world's problems right now, I just want to go get a cheeseburger."

And there you have it, folks. Women all around the world spend billions of dollars a year on books and workshops and Oprah recommendations, all in the hopes of figuring out what men want, and it turns out it's probably just a cheeseburger.

The Story (Because There's ALWAYS A Story!)

There are two kinds of event planners in the world...good ones and GREAT ones. The GOOD ones are dedicated, organized and detail-oriented. You can thank them when there is still plenty of food for the stragglers who line up last for the buffet and for when there is still plenty of toilet paper...even at the end of the night. If your event planner is good, you will never be forced to do the "shake, hover and hold" maneuver because she has seen to all your toilet paper needs.

But then there are the TRULY GREAT event planners. Not only are they dedicated, organized and detail-oriented making sure your food and toilet paper needs stay firmly under control, but they also have the ability to remain cool, calm and collected in the face of ANY crisis that may come their way.

This is a story about a GOOD event planner.

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Now among professional event planners, it's a well-known fact that no matter how well you contingency plan, SOMETHING is bound to come up that, in a million years, you could NEVER have dreamed would happen...and then you just have to think fast and deal with it the best you can.

Let's see...I've seen drunk millionaires hit on waitstaff, belligerent hillbillies fire guns at passersby, some one's toenail split in two and fall off AND been forced to tell a busload of tired, road-weary cyclists there was a real good chance they were going to get off that bus and find their car had been vandalized while they were gone. Good times...good times.

I think I was most traumatized by the toenail, though. I've never been able to look at feet the same way since. Who knew your toenails could betray you in such a way?! Blech!

It's such a given that SOMETHING unexpected will happen that I was actually playing the "What if" game on my way to set up for the party. Little did I know that about twenty minutes later, I would actually be the center of "the crisis" and it would threaten my job, my bank account and most importantly, my professional reputation!

Our event this year was supposed to be a low-key, scaled-down party in deference to the economy and the financial woes that are affecting EVERYONE...even the super-wealthy. So instead of the big star-studded celebrity dinner and golf tournament complete with professional live auction and $1,500 ticket price, we would simply do a cocktail party this year with hors d' oeuvres and a local band.

I was down with this....I actually think people prefer these kinds of parties anyway. We cut the ticket price and decided on a very small auction with only eight items (but very nice items that would fetch high bids). One of the items was a diamond necklace donated by a local jeweler. I picked it up from his store early last week and brought it home and put it in Hubby's office for safe-keeping.

On Friday night, I opened the box and showed it to Hubby. Then I put it back in the bag and put it with the rest of the items that had to be ferried over to the event site the next day.

On Saturday afternoon, I loaded up all the items into my car and headed on over to the party about two-hours early. When I got to the house, everything was in full-swing. The caterers were there, the florist was there and the band was doing sound-check. I started unloading the auction items and suddenly realized that the necklace WASN'T THERE!!!

Ruh roh...I must have left it in Hubby's office!!

I called Hubby and when he answered, I asked him to go to his office and see if the necklace was there and if so, could he bring it when he came to the party? (He was coming later with our friends.)

He went down to his office and I stayed on the phone trying to remain calm because at that moment, I thought I knew where the necklace was. But then Hubby said the four worst possible words in the English language, "It's not here, babe."

"WHAT?!???!! What do you mean it's NOT THERE!?!! It has to be there, BECAUSE IT'S NOT HERE!!! REMEMBER WHEN I SHOWED IT TO YOU?!? IN YOUR OFFICE?!?" (Fyi...All Caps = All PANIC!)

I ran back to my car and literally TORE IT APART! Then I tore apart my event boxes and shopping bags. NOT THERE!! How could the necklace go missing between my house and the event location?!? Where could it have gone?!!

I called Hubby back..."LOOK HERE! LOOK THERE! DID YOU LOOK WHERE I ASKED YOU TO LOOK?!??!" All the while, Hubby is telling me to calm down and yes, he did look here and there and EVERYWHERE I asked him to. It simply wasn't there!

Oh.my.God. TOTAL nightmare scenario. Seriously...can you think of anything worse? Because I can't.

So this went on for about thirty minutes. I was sweating, shaking, on the verge of tears and just about to call our board chairman to tell him what had happened all while thinking there was absolutely NO WAY in the world that he would believe that I made it to the auction with every other item EXCEPT the diamond necklace when the caterer walked up.

"What do you think?" he asked, eager to receive my 100% seal of approval on all his hard work.

"Huh? Think about what?" I asked.

"Everything," he said, gesturing around the grounds.

"Yeah...it looks great," I said. "I'm sorry if I seem distracted. I've misplaced an auction item and if I don't find it, I'm going to have to buy it. It's worth $5,000 and I don't have $5,000!"

"Oh..." he said with real concern for me in his voice, "Well, do you think it's in one of the bags my guys carried into the kitchen for you?"

Now...You are going to think I'm exaggerating this part, but I promise you I'm not. I LITERALLY grabbed the caterer by his lapels and yelled through clenched teeth, "WHAT BAGS IN THE KITCHEN?!??" And I'm pretty sure I gave him a mean, sideways look that was meant to convey the words, "Dude. You better not be messing with me, because if you are...I will JACK.YOU.UP."

Poor guy...I hope I didn't make him cry, but I might have. I was a woman on the edge and we all know what they look like. Scary stuff.

Apparently, in his desire to be helpful, the caterer sent some busboys to my car to help carry in my stuff. He just didn't tell me that part and in my panic, I didn't realize that two of my original five shopping bags weren't there and didn't think to go looking for them.

And the answer to the question you're all dying to know is YES! The necklace was there...in one of the missing bags!! Crisis? What crisis? I can't stand it when people over-react. ;o)

Of course, by then my make-up had totally melted off, my linen outfit was completely wrinkled from crawling up in my car and tearing it apart and it took me one-and-a-half glasses of wine to calm my nerves before the guests started to arrive...but it all worked out in the end. And that's all that counts, right?

Here are some pictures of the event set-up...it really was a lovely night.

Time to Party, People...

Tomorrow is the day when I go from fun, easy-going, glass-is-half-full K-mom to crazy, lunatic control-freak K-mom. It's a sort of Jeckyll & Hyde condition that effects most event planners.

It's called Event Countdown Syndrome.

About 48 hours before your event, you suddenly lose the ability to eat, sleep, form complete sentences, be nice to strangers and worst of all, remember to use the bathroom.

I'm hoping that things are pretty much under control because given my two-week timeframe to pull this thing together, I sub-contracted out a lot of things I would have normally done myself.

The only problem with this scenario is that now there are more people in the mix with the capability of screwing things up...and that's why I'm up right now instead of relaxing in bed with a magazine and Conan O'Brien. The two or three days leading up to any event is fraught with lots of unforseen speed traps...last minute crises, cancellations, massive cases of food poisoning. I've seen it all.

So, here's me crossing my fingers, popping one of Hubby's Valiums (which frankly, are doing me WAY more good than they are doing Hubby), taking a deep breath and saying to the special event gods..."Bring it on, bitches!"

Deck the Walls

I've been looking for some more artwork for Miss Priss's room. I wanted something to hang on either side of the mirror here because I think it looks a little bare.



The only problem is that it's hard to find original children's artwork for girls that doesn't say "Princess" or "Diva" all over it. I know that stuff is really popular right now, but it doesn't really appeal to me. To me (and this is purely my opinion), princess is just a nice way of saying "spoiled" and divas were originally called that because of their propensity to throw temper tantrums when they didn't get their way...neither of which are personality traits I want to see develop in my child.

So I started looking in the not-so-usual places for interesting artwork that I could possibly frame myself and hang on the wall. I looked in children's books and found some wonderful illustrations, but the pages I loved the most had text on them and I that's not what I wanted for this room...but wouldn't it be cute to frame iconic pictures from "Alice in Wonderland" or maybe "Watership Down"?

That's the great thing about art! It's so subjective that anything you want to put a matte and frame around is art. Who's to say it isn't?

Anyway, I was shopping in Target the other day and I found these cards in the stationary section.. They're by an artist named Mary Ann Johnson. By luck, they were selling exactly four unique images, so I bought them.

I wanted to matte them so they would fit in a standard 5x7 frame, but didn't want to pay to have them custom cut in the color I wanted, so I bought four white mattes and spray painted them a light green.

Here are the mattes before paint...

And here they are after the paint...

I then bought some inexpensive 5x7 frames at Hobby Lobby. They were cheap, cheap, cheap, but of course, not the color I wanted so I had to paint those too.


I painted them a creamy white and then ran some sandpaper over them to give them an "antiqued" look, framed up everything and here they are!



I haven't hung them on the walls yet, because I want Hubby to help me make sure that they are spaced correctly and his vertigo has made him utterly useless to me this week, but maybe I'll get them hung this weekend and I'll post the true "AFTER" then.

The Breakdown:

I bought the cards at Target for $3.95 a piece in the stationary section. I bought the mattes pre-cut at Hobby Lobby for $1.00 a piece. The frames are standard 5x7 and they were $2.50 at Hobby Lobby (50% off) but if you don't have a Hobby Lobby in your town, they have similar frames at Wal-Mart, they were just 50 cents more.

The frames are painted in a creamy white spray paint that I had leftover from something else and the green paint I used on the mattes was "Prairie Green" and I got it at Michael's for about $4.00.

So the total cost for these pictures was less than $35 for all four PLUS this project was done entirely in one day. Not too shabby, I say in all modesty. ;o)

Lessons Learned:

When spray painting paper mattes, point your spray paint to the top left of the matte and depress the nozzle. Start spraying a little to the left of the matte and then sweep it evenly over all of the mattes without letting up on the nozzle. This will give you even coverage and you won't get that "spray paint look" that can happen if you use short, quick strokes.

When working with spray paint in the summer, try to paint in the morning because the bugs aren't as bad. There's nothing more frustrating than coming back to check on your project and finding a dead insect stuck in the paint. They leave little dead-bug carcass prints on your project forcing you to start over.

Repeat after me, "Take the time to prime!" I didn't, of course, because I wanted to save time and what happened was the paint slid right off the frames. I ended up having to do more coats and use more paint than was necessary.

And the award for BEST parenting advice ever goes to...

MY DAD?!??

To understand my shock and surprise, you have to first understand my parents. Growing up, you could best compare their parenting style to a buddy cop movie. Whereas my mom was the straight man with her eye ever fixed on the mission at hand, my dad was the wisecracking sidekick who offered the comic relief and the occasional back-up when things got really hairy.

So last night, I was talking to my dad on the phone and lamenting about how difficult the potty training has suddenly become. Two months ago, I would say we had Miss Priss about 50% potty trained. She would go pee pee just about every time, but the poo she would not do. Wouldn't even consider it...would get mad if you so much as suggested it. Instead, she wanted a clean diaper and a little privacy.

My sister-in-law told me not to worry too much because most children take a little longer to master the poo. So, I took her advice and didn't sweat it...that is until the pink potty came to live at our house and then suddenly, Miss Priss would only use the pink potty. This created a lot of accidents at first because the pink potty lived upstairs and the downstairs potty was blue and white and therefore far inferior and unworthy of Miss Priss's precious pee.

We tried switching the two potties, but it was too late. Miss Priss seemed to now view the whole potty training thing like a cheap trend that had suddenly lost its appeal...you know, like Spuds Mackenzie t-shirts or jellies or Madonna bracelets.

I was complaining to my dad about how it felt like we were living in a river of pee when my dad said, "Didn't you say you signed Miss Priss up for some ballet classes this summer?"

I replied that yes, I had.

"And she's real excited about it, right?" Dad asked.

"Yes, she talks about it every day and the classes don't start until July," I replied.

"Well, why don't you tell her that she needs to be able to go pee pee and poo poo in the potty before she can take her lessons?"

Now, people...it was sweet of my dad to offer me some help, but I seriously did not think that was going to work. So I just offered up the obligatory, "Yeah, maybe I'll try that" response that children give parents when they have absolutely no intention of actually ever taking their advice.

Until this morning...

Miss Priss peed on my newly upholstered dining room chair!! AAAARGHH!

So out of pure desperation, I said to Miss Priss..."You know, you're going to have to learn to go pee pee and poo poo in the potty or you're not going to be able to take your ballet lessons!!"

This is actually the truth because they want the kids to be potty trained to take the classes. I fibbed a little in order to reserve Miss Priss a spot, but you can see now why I'm so desperate. That, and I could really stand to live with a little less pee in my life...I mean, if we're being honest and all.

Miss Priss looked up at me and said, "No ballet classes?" Then she turned on her heel, went into the bathroom, made a few grunting sounds and then proudly stepped out of the powder room and offered up the potty like a hostess offering up a plate of hors d'oeuvres and said, "I pooed in the potty, mama! I can go to ballet."

Well, I'll be damned.

My dad ACTUALLY knew what he was talking about. Huh...Who knew?!?